Eight strategies for dealing with people who destroy your life

You wake up one morning and suddenly realize that you have lost control in a relationship full of problems. You are being scolded, attacked, and hurt. It does not matter whether the person in question is a parent, a sibling, a co-worker, a friend, a spouse, or a lover, or whether he or she is an exploitative, a bully, an aggressive person, or a stereotypical narcissist trying to keep you in his or her orbit. What matters is that you “don’t know what to do.” You realize that the communication between you is not healthy or good; Because it makes you feel bad but somehow you're stuck. Here are eight strategies you can follow to manage clashes with people who seem to enjoy spoiling your joy, need to be in control, or just enjoy making you feel bad.

1. Recognize the qualities that make you easy prey. Evaluating your actions that contribute to what the other party is doing does not mean that you bear responsibility for someone’s mistreatment of you or are to blame for it. Take this difference between the two matters into account; Is it your need to please others, or is it the fear of disrupting the relationship between you that ties your tongue when your friend turns you into a victim of his bad mood? Calmly analyze the treatment you received from the person who made you unhappy – focus on why you felt the way you felt rather than how you felt – and see if you can discern a pattern.
2. Review your reaction again without taking the blame for mechanism. What is going on You must look at the degree to which you overreact or underreact in the relationship, as both of them can unintentionally reinforce the mechanism of what is going on and keep it going. A controlling or domineering person considers your weak reaction as permission for him to continue treating you in exactly the same way, while people with an insecure attachment style tend to be very cautious about signs that indicate that the relationship is getting worse, and they often become angry and highly critical when they feel threatened. This type of overreaction is likely to give the narcissist a feeling of power and inspire him to continue his games. Instead, work on managing your emotions and set some goals for yourself in terms of dealing with the relationship differently. Use the “if/then” method of thinking to encourage you in implementing your plans. Prepare by focusing on what you will do if a mutual conversation occurs. Use the “if” formula. "So, then so." For example, "If my friend makes a hurtful remark, then I will say, 'Why did you say something hurtful?' » This matter is not easy and requires training, but defending what you are convinced of is important.
3. Trust your intuition: One of the reasons that push people with an insecure attachment style to continue in abusive relationships is a lack of confidence in themselves or in their judgment. For matters, if your default position is always to excuse destructive behavior (“He didn't really mean what he said, it's just a moment of emotion”) or to give the person the benefit of the doubt (“She didn't realize how hurtful her gesture was, once it was explained to her, I'm sure it You will realize what you did.” The moment has come to stop and realize why you are making excuses. If you find yourself again engaging in the pattern of making excuses or giving logical justifications for destructive behavior, you must stop.
4. Be careful of the fallacy of the price paid. What is it? Makes you continue in this relationship anyway? What idea has been presented in this relationship? Your fear of losing and being alone? As shown by the research of Daniel Kahneman and Amos Twersky, humans are famous for their aversion to loss and prefer to hold on to what they have in the short term, even if giving up a little will give them more in the long term. In addition, they prefer the known to the unknown, even if the former makes them unhappy. All of this ultimately leads to the worst subconscious pattern called the price-paid fallacy, which is often responsible for keeping us in places we should not be, including destructive relationships. It is the habit of the mind that focuses on what you have invested in something. It may be... The investment is in the form of emotion, time, effort, or even money, and you stay in your place so as not to lose this investment. Of course, whatever the investment is, you cannot recover it under any circumstances, whether it is the years you spent of your life in a job or a relationship, or the money you spent. You spent it on your broken down car or on a project, so thinking this way is not really logical, and this fallacy has been used to justify wars, cars that have outlived their expiration date, and all kinds of bad relationships and marriage. If you find yourself thinking about what you gave into a relationship with a destructive person, start instead by thinking about where you could go if you let it go. That word “fallacy” says it all.
5. Notice the intermittent reinforcements: Show Search B.F. Skinner had three very hungry mice, each in its own cage with a lever that delivered food when pressed. In the first cage, the lever delivered food continuously, and based on this concept, the first mouse continued what it was doing. In the second cage, the crane did not provide food at all. That mouse learned the lesson and no longer cared. In the third cage, the lever worked randomly, so the mouse focused his gaze and stared at it. He was completely addicted to it and rushed toward the lever constantly. These are intermittent reinforcements. Unfortunately, this happens in human relationships as well. When a destructive person does something nice, your heart jumps with joy and your level of optimism skyrockets and you think, “We are at a turning point in the relationship,” and thus he detains you for a longer period, just like that mouse. Yes, “from time to time” does not reflect the type of person you are. You have to remember this.
6. Defend those boundaries. Create an ending strategy. If the destructive person is someone you cannot avoid communicating with, set limits on the interaction and type of communication you will have. With it, people with an insecure attachment style often face problems in realizing what healthy boundaries are and do not always know how to negotiate to maintain them. You do not need to be rude, rude, or accusatory. In fact, it is important not to be like that. Rather, you need to be firm and strict. If the matter is related to a work situation, resort to appropriate methods and record it in writing. You may say to a co-worker: “There is nothing wrong with criticism, but I prefer not to make the criticism personal. My excess weight has nothing to do with my performance,” or you may say to your mother-in-law who is mocking you: “I “Sorry, but this isn't funny. I may not be the most organized housewife, but my family seems to be doing better.” As for other destructive people, you can eventually cut them out of your life; Create a strategy to end..
7. Expect a stab in the back or revenge. It is likely that the destructive person in your life has his own “investment” in his communication with you. He likes to control you, or she likes the feeling of elevation that he feels through his control. You have to, so once you start setting boundaries and confronting the person, do not expect him or her to stop his behavior on his own. It is likely that he or she will redouble his or her efforts to keep things going by manipulating your mind or spreading rumors about you to get the better of you.
< li>Don't consider bad behavior normal. This is especially important if you have been in a destructive relationship for a long time or you grew up with people who used words like weapons. They may have insulted, marginalized, or rejected you or another family member and then justified their behavior logically. By saying, “It's just words,” denying that they said that at all (a kind of manipulation of your mind) or emphasizing that the real problem was your sensitivity. Their refusal to answer you or ignoring you is also silent abusive behavior. It is clear to everyone that lying is destructive, and it is similar. When you tell partial truths or a carefully edited version of events, and then when challenged they blame you for not asking the right questions (this was a trick used by a destructive person I knew who was also a lawyer), the bottom line is that emotional and verbal abuse is completely unacceptable.

From the book 44 Amazing by: Big Streep